All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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