Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
