i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
