I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I could fuck to npr.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize