saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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