i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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