i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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