Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
