I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
