she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
