What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
