Kiss
Puke
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
