Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
