i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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