the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize