there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
