Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Panties = found
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
