Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
