Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
