The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
