then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
