your parents love me but you hate me
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
