me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
