I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
