so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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