so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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