OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
