I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize