There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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