I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
it's like heaven, but drunker
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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