I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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