dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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