Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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