wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
