I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
