So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
