We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
