I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
