Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
