My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
