...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize