I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
And then he peed in my hair
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