I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
