well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
and i looked up. we had an audience...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
