I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i need some magic done to my vagina
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize