Just cropdusted the office
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
