hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
