Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
