I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
