Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
