My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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