literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
