I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
