someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you guys were way drunker than both of me
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
