Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
