i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
