His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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