I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
